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I've spent countless hours trying to make sense of everything. Trying to figure out what is it that I want. Trying to figure out who I am, and where I wanna be. Countless hours that should have been spent sleeping, or dreaming, or living. Countless hours that I will never get back. That I will never see again. And what do I know? Absolutely nothing. I've been through so many things, so much more than most people ever will. I've seen more, and done more, and experienced more. I've lived. And yet, I'm still just a child. A fetus. I know nothing of this world, and more importantly I know nothing of myself, or life. Yet I feel old. As though I've been alive far longer than 21 measly years.

I'm just.. tired. I'm tired of searching. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being sick.. But I'll keep going, because that's what you do. You fall down, and you drag yourself out of the holes you dig. You keep fighting, you keep trying, you keep living. You take risks, you get hurt, and you pick up the pieces. We avoid risk, why? So that we can make it safely to death in the end? So we can look back in regret on all the things we never did just because, we were too afraid? Too tired? Then why bother getting out of bed in the morning. Why bother being alive at all, if you aren't willing to live. Life, fear, hate, pain, love.. they're all necessary parts of each other. All coinciding elements that thrive off of one another to create the complex thoughts and feelings that make us human. That make us, alive.

At one point or another in my life, I lost sight of this. Lost sight that complexity, be it through self or others, can be and usually is a good thing. Life in itself, is one complex mystery after another. And the point isn't to figure them out, it's to enjoy seeing where they lead you. Each and every path, with whatever twists and turns they may bring, will eventually all lead to the same place. The trick, is to flow with them. To feel each and every jagged edge of whichever direction you go. The pain, the fear, the happiness, the love.. well, that's just part of the adventure. To avoid risk, or avoid pain, is merely to avoid life. And for what? Safety is a myth, and risk is just reality. After all, that's all life really is anyways. If everything was good all the time, after a while it wouldn't feel so good anymore anyways.


Monday, January 3, 2011 - 1:13am

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection


Everything in our lives, everything we do is comprised of two separate components. Life, or death. Every moment every breathe, is merely working towards one or the other. You're either living, just to die or, you're just dying to live. Whether we realize it or not, there is at all times a piece of our subconscious pointing us towards one of the two extremes. One moment, life is everything you'd ever thought you wanted. Happiness, dreams, love. And you feel alive. Yet when it all falls apart, when suddenly you lose all those things you thought made you who you are.. When you lose it all, suddenly that life, that energy is drained from your body. And you feel death creeping up your spine and into your mind. It overtakes everything. And you taste the bitterness forming throughout your once sweet taste buds. You feel the searing anger and pain in your veins. And nothing helps. You can fight it, or you can try anyways, but that wound will always be there. Sometimes you'll forget about it, and sometimes you'll even think it's gone. But it never will be. The writhing flesh being torn from your once warm heart will never heal. It will never regrow, and it will never be replaced. Love, true actual love is something that doesn't just die. Relationships die, friendships fall apart, and we in time decay. But that love we once felt will always linger. It's once you really truly believe it's gone, that you remember. You hear a song, or walk a path you forgot to avoid.. or a scent you forgot you loved catches an unfortunately timed breeze and floats past your nose. And you remember. And then, even if just for a moment, all those wounds you so carefully bandaged and hid from the world, come back to life. You feel the air sting across your now silent heart and bask in the fresh blood pumping quietly from the fresh scar. You catch your breathe and hope to god that no one notices the flicker of pain across your eyes. But you know, as well as we all do, that relief will not come. You'll lie there for hours, and one by one the memories will flood your sedentary mind. And you'll do all you can to forget again as regret seeps through all your pores. Seeking out and destroying any false confidence you've created for the world. And eventually, you'll allow yourself to feel it. The pain, the anger, the sorrow, the happiness, the fear, everything you swore you'd lost. And in a moment of desperation, you'll wish for it all to go away. And in turn, you'll wish that you yourself could disappear with them. And you let it consume you. You slip away into your mind, clinging to your broken memories like a child. You wrap yourself up in them like it's all that you have in this world. And with each passing moment you slip farther and farther into the abyss. The more you fall the more aware of it you become.. But do you stop it? Do you untangle yourself from the lies and deceit that you so carefully tucked away. Or do you hold onto that moment like it's the last thing you'll ever truly feel? Which is better.. pain or emptiness. Anger or fear. Life, or death. After all, is living in fear really living at all? Is life really any different in the light, than it is in the dark?


"It is only once we have lost everything, that we are really free to do anything."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010 - 3:46am

I’ve never really been very good at processing death. One minute someone is there and the next.. We mourn for a while. And then, someday, we feel better about it. We keep moving on with our lives. And once a year, we remember everything that made them who they were. We remember the laughs and smiles we’d shared. And we feel the hollow ache, tugging at the lingering wound in our hearts.  We pretend we don’t feel it. The sinking sorrow, that you will never hear their laugh again. Never feel the warmth of their smile. We act like remembering why we loved them, makes it okay that they’re gone. It doesn’t. It never does. The hole their loss created will always be there. Buried amongst the rubble of our hearts. After all, one day, that’s all we’ll ever be. A lingering emptiness that radiates throughout someone you once loved. It will dull with time. It always does. But in that brief eternity of a moment.. relief will not come.

Thursday, October 14, 2010 - 7:38am

I think I'm realizing more and more, how completely not okay I am. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I'm not, anything. Lately I feel like a zombie. I go to work, I come home, and I sit here. I'm not sad. I'm not.. anything. I don't think of the good times. I don't think of the bad. My mind is absolutely nowhere. I am cold. My compassion for, anyone, seems to be lost. I don't care. Not about anyone, and certainly not about myself. I do the absolute bare minimum to survive, and really.. that's it. I'm not concerned. I'm not scared. I just really, don't care anymore. I don't feel anything. And honestly? That really doesn't bother me. I used to think that my emotions were what made me who I was. That they made me who I needed to be. And then I realized, I really hate who I used to be. I cried, all the time. I was angry. I hurt, everyone that I ever cared about. So why would I want to be that? Who would ever want to be that person? I was miserable. And now I'm not. So what's the problem? Really?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010 - 5:00am

I remember the night we first met. You watched me all night. Remembered every thing I wore and the fact that I changed three times that night. I hugged you when you changed the music that was playing. I felt drawn to you. But I was so distracted that I barely noticed. We flirted for weeks. I found myself making up reasons to invite you over. Then you finally called me and asked if I wanted to get some food. I thought it would be casual. You took me to the 99 and we had our first date. I hugged you when you dropped me off and secretly wished I had the guts to ask you inside. I left my phone in your car. At first I was mad. But then the next day, you showed up. You gave me my phone back and you asked me out again. You surprised me and took me to the Olive Garden. Where I found out you didn't eat any vegetables. We had an amazing time. We got back to my house and I hugged you again, and finally found the courage to ask if you wanted to watch a movie. You seemed shy, but said yes anyways. We laid in my bed, awkward. And very far away from each other and we watched The Italian Job. But we talked through the whole movie. About, everything imaginable. You fell asleep on top of the covers with your shoes and glasses on. You were so uncomfortable. But you stayed. Days went by. We saw each other every night. Watched movies that we talked through every night. By the 7th day, August 26th 2008, you finally held me as we watched a movie. We wrestled around a little bit, and you stopped for a moment and looked me in the eyes. I wasn't sure if I was ready to kiss you or not, so I turned my head away repeatedly. Until finally, you put your hands on the sides of my face, so I couldn't look away. And you kissed me. And I felt so.. relieved. I couldn't believe it. I melted in your arms, and you kissed me again. Then we went outside for a cigarette. And we laid down in the road and looked at the stars. You asked me to be your girlfriend and I said yes. You were always the one chasing me. You were always the one who initiated every conversation. Began every kiss. It was always you. I was guarded, and hesitant. But when I was with you, I always felt so.. safe. Like it was okay to be scared because, you were always going to be there. I didn't think we would be serious, but secretly, I wished we would be. A few weeks went by and I went to your house to help you switch rooms. I wasn't very much help. So I sat down in the sun by your balcony, leaned up against a giant teddy bear and read a book. There was a moment when you walked into the room, and you paused. We looked each other in the eyes and you began to speak, but stopped yourself. You blushed. It was the first time I'd ever seen you blush, and I remember thinking how I might love you one day. A few more weeks went by. We were laying in bed one night, you were holding me in your arms. The light was off, so I couldn't see you. But you were tense, it almost felt awkward. More than it ever had before. And you said, "if I tell you something, do you promise you won't be freaked out?". I was concerned. Did you want to leave me? Had you done something wrong? Had I done something wrong? My mind and heart were racing and shakily I said yes. You took a deep breath, paused, and simply said, "I love you". It was the first time I'd ever heard that. I was, shocked, to say the least. I froze, without saying a word, without breathing. It was dark but I could feel you blushing. You shyed away from me and apologized. I think that was the first time I ever hurt you. I said, "I want to say it back, but I don't know if I'm ready". You said you understood, but I could tell that you were hurt. Two weeks later, after thinking about it every second since that night, we got back to your house after being out with friends. I climbed into bed while you closed the door. And shyly, and quietly I said, "I have to tell you something". You slowly closed the door, and hung your head as you pressed the lock. You slowly turned around as if I was about to break your heart. "I can't say it", I said. You asked me what it was, a few times. You were beginning to become frustrated, and I didn't want that moment to turn into something  bad. And then you paused. A little smirk grew across your mouth and you said, "wait.. you love me.. don't you." This time, it was my turn to blush. I froze again, and said nothing. You stood there with your grin, growing more and more into a smile. I finally shoved my face into your favorite pillow and yelled, "fine I love you okay!". By then your smile was the brightest I'd ever seen it. You walked over, picked my face up, looked me straight in the eyes and said "I love you too". And at that moment, you set my world on fire. I had never felt so amazing so, warm. I jumped up and hugged you. I could've stayed there forever. The awkwardness between us never really passed, even in the end. A few days went by, days turned into a week, and we hadn't said it since that night. I began to think that maybe I had messed up. Maybe I had scared you. I was too afraid to say it again, and maybe you were too. One night almost two weeks after that night, you went out with one of your friends. I was upstairs looking out the balcony saying goodbye as you walked out the door. When all of a sudden you turned around and yelled, "I love you Katie!". I was shocked again, but hurredly I yelled it back. You closed the door and I was on fire again. You really did mean it. You really weren't afraid of what I had said. You were only just as afraid as I was to say it again. I was amazed. Me? In love? Every inch of my body tingled and felt numb as I thought of the idea. I couldn't wait for you to get home that night. You held me as we slept, and I remember feeling more comfortable than I ever had before.

 

 

..T.B.C...

Monday, August 30, 2010 - 2:45am

I wish I could save you. I wish you would let me. I wish you would grab my hand when I reach to pull you from the darkness inside you. I’ve tried everything. You could be saved. But you’ve never felt like you’ve deserved it. You did. You do. I want to make you feel alive again. I want to make you happy. I want you to feel like you can be happy without feeling guilty. “Love is a battlefield”, “Nothing worth having comes easy”. Truth. Believe it. You could be happy if you accepted it. I wish you could see that you don’t have to be and do like everyone else to be happy. Happiness comes from within yourself. It comes from your own ideals and your own image. You have to accept it as a possibility before it can be a reality. It took me years to realize this. And when I finally found what it was that made me happy, it was you. And you’ve chased me away every step of the way. It won’t work. Maybe you really don’t want me anymore. Maybe you really don’t care anymore. But I do. That doesn’t just go away because you were mad and said whatever came to your mind. Love does not falter. It does not fade. It is truth. It is science. It is beauty. And it IS forever. Even if we aren’t.

Thursday, August 12, 2010 - 3:02am

Some days I live in a fantasy world. A place in my mind where nothing can go wrong. Where I'm happy. And everyone around me is happy. I put on my headphones and tune out the real world, and visit a place where everything, makes sense. A place where the world is new. Everything is shiny and bright. A place where we gaze at stars for hours on end, and blow wishes on dandelion seeds. Love has meaning again. Life has meaning again. A place where I can love as though I've never felt sorrow. Where every day is risen with a warm beam of sunshine on my already smiling face. And comforting dreams take the place of my nightmares. A place where sleep is restful again. A place where, money knows no purpose. It does not exist in my perfect world of dreams and happiness.

 

And yet, I wake from my daydreams, only to find a cold world in it's place. A place where nightmares plague my unsettling sleep. A place where money commands once respectable people, into blackguards and crooks. Where we've lost the meaning of love and hope. A place where dandelions are merely weeds, and stars have lost their magic and wonder. We drone on. Defined by others perceptions of who we should be. Where being yourself, means being an outkast. We struggle. And we fight. We deceive, we cheat, we lie. And we fail.

 

 

Some days, I live in a world, where all that matters is life. Where you're surrounded by beauty and wonder. A world of warmth. A world of hope. And a world of happiness.

Love?

I think it's harder to love than it is to hate. I think it's easier to feel anger than sadness. I think it's easier to doubt than fear. And I think it's easier to forgive than to forget. And I think sometimes we forget what it's like to feel.. anything.

What does it mean to love? To stand by silently and doubt? Or to speak, and feel that fear in the pit of your stomach as you watch the one you love slip away. I think sometimes we replace the sadness with anger. We doubt, and we fear.. and we never say a word. So which part is love? The fear? The anger? The sadness? The doubt? What does it really mean.. to love? Will we ever really know it?.. Will we ever really feel it?




Sometimes, I think we forget to feel.. anything

The Question

I should feel good, right? Better? Hopeful? Like I have another start or something. Fresh slate? So why, do I feel like I'm right back in the same spot I'm always in? I got out of my rut, finally, and now I'm back in it. "Where do I go from here??" runs through my head the way it always does. And I wish I ever had an answer to that question. I keep trying, and trying, and trying.. I know that. But will there ever come a time when it's really as pointless as it feels? What if all my chances are gone? What if I will never get another one? I know it isn't true, but what if it was? What then? Where would I go from there? Always the question. I am ever-changing, and ever-growing. But what happens if the change stops? If I cease to grow? Where would I go from there?.. always, the question.

The Future: New Years

It's day 2 of a brand new year. And in the spirit of changing my ways and becoming a new person, I am making resolutions. I've never actually done this before so I apologize if they're a little, weird? I guess?

1. Forgive
This year, I plan to forgive everything I've been holding onto. Forgive others, and forgive myself. I cannot let the mistakes of last year, intrude on this year.

2. Remember
This year, I am going to remember, that I am only human. I cannot do everything. I cannot do nothing. And I cannot expect any more, or any less of anyone else.

3. Trust
This year, I am going to trust again. In others, and in myself. I am going to trust that I can do this. That I can make it if I actually try. And I'm going to trust, that not everyone in the world is going to cause me pain.

4. Try
This year, I am going to try. I am going to fight. And I am going to live. I will find a job, I will keep my job, I will have my own home (or apartment), I will have a car. I will have a life. And I will fight like hell to keep it.

5. Forget
This year, I am letting go. I am letting go of my past. I am letting go of the pain. I am letting go of the anger. I will not let my heart carry the weight of the things I know I can't change. And I will not feel pain over words, that I can never take back.

6. Love
This year, I will love myself. I will treat myself well. I will feel good about myself. And I will remember, that I am an amazing, beautiful girl. And I can do the things I've always wanted. I can succeed. I can be normal. And I can love myself.

7. Appreciate
This year, I will remind my family, that I know everything they've done for me. And I will show them that it wasn't all for nothing. I will show my mother that I have listened to her advice. I will show her that I can be a good person. And that none of my words, will ever say how thankful I am for her and everything she has done.